Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*