I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
just gave your address to some spiders
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next