How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You Might Also Like
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?