A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words