Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Something Saturday.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I hate my earbuds.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.