Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches