(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
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Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I鈥檓 so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I鈥檓 downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*searches through desk for granola bar, can鈥檛 find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT鈥橲 WHO.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don鈥檛 know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Need WebMD
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
No need to rev your engine, I鈥檓 not impressed by your car unless it鈥檚 a food truck
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.