Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
You Might Also Like
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.