7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
How all things should be taught/explained.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here: