Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*