When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
can’t bark with your mouth full
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.