Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.