No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Meanwhile in Canada…
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon