My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people