Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.