Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Two types of dogs.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.