them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.