i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Lmfaoooooo
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.