learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
nothing saves money like being antisocial