Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Risking my life for fun.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.