[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*