An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You Might Also Like
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What鈥檚 it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me:
Pale people: I鈥檓 so white that I鈥檓 translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it鈥檚 Tuesday
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
her: so we could have sex
me: 馃檨
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 馃檪
her: [sigh] i鈥檒l get the katanas
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Accidently went when it wasn鈥檛 my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it鈥檚 like to be cheated on.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy