I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.