Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.