God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.