Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Not today.. 😂
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you