*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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scared to check what name she chose
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.