if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’ll be mad as hell!
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.