ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport