synchronized noseblowing
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Camping tip: No.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus