I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.