Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
crazy
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.