Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
You Might Also Like
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Love this one 😂🧟
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.