Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.