My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.