When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You have been warned.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
In case you needed to hear it:
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.