Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
You Might Also Like
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november