Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
How animals would run if they were human
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
crazy
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band