Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it