We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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Easy enough.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Why is everyone getting married at me
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.