When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”