Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
scares
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.