I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Yep.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe