{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.