strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.