My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.