i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY