Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
When ur friends with white people
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*