HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You Might Also Like
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.