The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER